..isn’t true when the person didn’t care from the beginning.
“You only take me in small doses.
You have commitment issues.
I feel inadequate to you.
It’s not completely natural with us.
You want to be alone, but everyone gets lonely.
We don’t share the same sense of humor.
I think you might ruin me.
I want someone to make me feel better.”
A stranger’s un-love letter to a stranger I used to know. I deleted all the excuses, unnecessary filler, and “I’m sorry, but“‘s.
Yeah, I very much dislike the stranger that this letter was written to. I feel like when times got tough, he disappeared. Which was so awkward, because for 9 or so months, when times got tough, he was always in my inbox. I was confused, asked questions, didn’t get any real answers.
Like always, I asked myself, “What did I do wrong?”
I didn’t do shit wrong. I was always there to talk about said stranger’s problems. I was worried about health problems [and was right to be so]. I cared. I loved. And I needed a friend.
Oh? Really? Alix needed a friend? Yes, it’s true. Sometimes I feel shitty. Sometimes I want to talk to someone who I’ve known for a long time and respect their advice. Being told “I don’t feel like talking to anyone.” wasn’t very comforting. They already knew that my previous one friend had stopped talking to me.
You were the second to dump me with no real answer.
[which was the spark that ignited a very severe insecurity in myself and in whether a friend will ever stay — another “friend“‘s words shocked me back into realizing that it wasn’t me, it was you… and how dare you ever having said you cared]
Either way, I am sure words were exchanged. Maybe something like, “I can change.” Advice: A person never changes because someone wants/asks them to. And you should never be with someone who you want to change.
genuinely the weirdest fucking thing i have ever seen in my life
watch this seriously i can’t even describe
what did I just watch
feels like I’m watching a jan svankmajer film that’s gone wrong
JOSH. TUMBLR KNOWS NOW.
I kept telling myself it couldn’t get any stranger, but then it did.
This is my new favorite show.
Not sure what that was, but that’s a nice chair.
Tonight my dad suggested to me that I use my drug addiction recovery [my choice being an outpatient methadone clinic] as an excuse…
…to not go to school, to not get better [I am not sure how that one works out].
I think it was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me, ever.
I am never the “her” in poet’s poem.
I am never the “she” in a writer’s journal.
I am never the “girl” in a musician’s lyrics.
I am only the “freak” in no one’s conversation.
What is a post without a chunk of pity?
I have actually been maybe…getting closer to people.
Only via text, FB, and sometimes a quick stroll through Hastings.
But I can’t keep charging in, thinking “This person is amazing!”, and then getting used… Well, not “getting” used, but “allowing” people to use me.
Because then, I say to myself, “They never were my friend, were they?”
Then being scared to try again.
I shouldn’t really be complaining… what I have now is twenty times better than what I had before. Even though there is drama… there is fighting… there is making up… there is yelling… there is crying…
There is SOMETHING. And I am happy about that. Whether my “friends” aren’t my “friends”… whether I am “loving” someone who isn’t “loving” me… I am getting stronger. Rejection, rejection, rejection — and I am still trying.
I had to forfeit the fight for two of my best “friends”.
They had no need for me anymore…I was hugging a brick wall. It was scratchy and cold. I can’t continue hugging that fucking brick wall. Do you understand? Heh, do you care? Stop the “sweet talk”…telling me what you think won’t hurt my feelings, yet taking action that shows the truth.
I’m no stupid. I may be needy, emotional, insecure, and a bit fucked in the head. But I am not stupid. I like pretending to be a dummy, to accept your excuses contently… but now it is like “wtf am I doing??”
To love so much. To admit how much I love someone… does that scare them away? Answer: yes.
But I can’t seem to shut my mouth. I do believe the world would be a better place if everyone could admit, could confess, could stop denying their love. Why? Rejection? You’re already choosing rejection when you don’t allow your love to be seen. And there are so many different levels and types of love…do people not understand that?
I don’t think people believe that I can love a man without being “in love” with a man. Why?
I’m tired of talking about the “L” word. Maybe you should start talking about it instead? <3